Scattered Thoughts

I am so bored ..life became meaningless to me. Although I discovered serious issues about my life and my love; these issues should make me happier, but they didn't. Yet, I am grateful that I understand him better now. I don't know if our life has changed or that I haven't been able to understand him before. The ambiguity vanished and I CAN understand him better now. I discovered that he truly loves me but in his own special way and on his own terms. Sometimes he allows himself to love me on my own terms, but those moments are rare. I know I am not understood but i am happy to let those feelings out. I love him more than anything in life and I am willing to burry myself totally in his own soul and be satisfied. on previous days, i was so doubtful about his feelings towards me and I was so jealous from all those who surrounded him. Although I was sure how this feeling was wrong but I couldn't stop it or help it. Now there are no competitors, thanks for the revolution!!!! He is totally mine and I am totally his. But are we happy????? I need some serious things to do in life besides cooking, cleaning and washing dishes. I need him to ask me about some serious issues other than what's for dinner today. I need him to see me among other people and other men. I feel like a bird prisoned in a beautiful cage. I am trying to free myself but there is no way. Besides, i feel scared to be out, not only because there is no given and possible way, but also because i don't know if i could stand to be so independent emotionally and be away from him for long periods. Life is so confusing. One can never appreciate what he has until it's gone !!! I NEED AIR AND I NEED TO SEE MYSELF DOING SOMETHING ELSE OTHER THAN HOUSEWORK. I need to feel self-esteemed and learn new things and be introduced to different people. I need to be out. I search (with great fear to be accepted) but with no vein. Maybe I got used to be pampered and to be lazy and to do what I like at anytime.